Rejected from UW Design (and What I Learned)
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Around this time last year, I was exhausting all of my energy to complete the infamous packaging project in Design 166. The instructions were simple; design a box that could be used to carry three to four drinks (with cans of RedBull being my beverage of choice). Despite how clear the directions were, I spent countless hours in Odegaard, struggling to craft a box that would somehow prove that I deserved a spot in UW’s Design program. And when that failed, and horribly at that, I set my focus on a new goal: reworking my portfolio for the application in the spring.
I became obsessive over perfecting every pixel, and by the time it had come to the deadline it felt like it wasn’t me who was applying, but rather a lifeless version of myself who knew her away around Photoshop. In the pursuit of needing to feel ‘validated’ as a creative, sacrificing my mental health was worth it if it meant I had a spot in the program.
Pressing the submission button, I couldn’t help but wonder what I was doing all this for.
I think a lot of us are familiar with feeling like we need to get our shit together.
When I applied to UW, it felt like everyone around me had an idea of what they were good at and what they wanted to do. For me, Design was a good option because it satiated my family’s urge for professionalization and provided the creative path I desired. Though it may not have been exactly what I wanted (if I even wanted anything at all), pursuing Design gave me something to work towards — and I was holding on to any bit of clarity I could get.
I received my rejection through email eleven days later, on my way to see my sister at work.
It’s hard to describe what I felt because I don’t think I felt anything at all. I ran from any emotion I had towards the matter because in my mind, feeling made it real.
A month after the results, I was tired of running, and soon every emotion caught up to me. As if by chance I had also reached a dead end, with questions from friends and family now impossible to escape.
There were moments of comfort in recognizing that the battle of applying was over, though quickly robbed by the aggravating process of grief. I was looking for anything to blame besides my own inadequacies (capacity constrained majors, a global pandemic), and if I’m being honest I still do today.
I saw the application as a measure of my creativity, and being rejected undoubtedly made me question my validity as a creative. But beneath a hit to my ego, my rejection meant coming to terms with the fact that I still had no idea what I wanted, and that uncertainty scared me more than anything.
I wish this was an article where I could offer tips on how to get into the Design program, or whatever field of study you might be chasing, but I think what I learned as a reject is equally valuable; it’s all about perspective.
It’s no groundbreaking realization, but when I took the time to reassess this part of my life I realized that I often give too much power to my initial thoughts and feelings (and that I think too much to begin with). I don’t fully buy into the idea of productivity, but I knew that dwelling in my ‘failure’ made me stagnant. Though it’s necessary for us to take the time to sit with our feelings, letting them consume our energy prevents us from growth as creatives — more importantly however, as living, breathing beings.
Cliches like “everything happens for a reason,” and “you’re exactly where you need to be” kind of make me want to vomit, although I think there is some truth to them as well.
Focusing on how I needed to ‘catch up’ to others was by no means a motivator, instead welcoming superfluous stress and anxiety into my life. In reality, who really knows what they’re doing?
Maybe I’m still bitter, but I don’t think anything in life is linear. My mistake was believing that the Design program was my only pathway into the creative industry, and if I do decide that this is in fact ‘what I want,’ I think I still could make it from here.
Rejection just has a fucked up way of teaching this lesson.
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Rianne Nelwan is a current student at the University of Washington.
Feel like connecting? Contact at riannenelwan.0@gmail.com, or on Instagram at @riannenelwan.
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